Walking Through the Valley

This week marks five months since Jim’s death. It feels like five minutes and five years at the same time. Five months of missing. Five months of tears. Five months of God’s faithfulness.

Grief is an unwanted companion, but one we can’t ignore. Running from grief only prolongs the process. Even when you think you’re dealing well with grief, it blindsides you. Grief doesn’t progress in a logical fashion. Emotions jumble together, and suddenly, the process feels like you’re starting from the beginning.

Following are reflections on walking through the valley of grief:

Expectations vs. Reality

People sort of expect you to be over the initial sadness five months into the grieving process. They stop asking how you’re doing and pretend you aren’t by yourself.

Reality is dry crying that is more like guttural groans. Reality is inexplicable anxiety. Reality is coming home to an empty house after a week away. Reality is reliving the moment you find a dead loved one. Reality is waking up and remembering all over again.

Writing Grief vs. Living It

For over twenty years, I’ve written tough topics, including grief and how to deal with it. However, I admit writing grief and living grief are two separate experiences.

Much of this post is rawer than others. I am sharing words that probably should go in my journal instead of online. In doing so, ironically, I’m violating one of the main points I teach in the tough topics course, cautioning new writers of tough topics to make sure they process emotions before writing. In this post, I’m breaking my own rules and spilling the rawness of where I am in this grief journey.

Living grief is a crazy existence. It’s crying when you throw out your deceased husband’s favorite jelly, the kind you don’t like. Grief is feeling panic for no concrete reason. Grief is missing your husband’s ability to speak reason and thoughtfulness into upsetting situations.

Review What You Know

Recently, I met a widow who deemed it necessary, perhaps even enlightening, to tell me grief gets worse when you hit the year mark. At five months, I didn’t want to hear that, found the words unhelpful, even unkind, and akin to women who tell a first-time mother the horrors of labor.

When I left that woman, I took a deep breath, and reviewed what I know to be true. God is faithful, even in the valley of the shadow of death. I’ve never encountered a life situation when God abandoned me. If the year mark is worse, God will still be there to comfort, sustain, and encourage.

Negative cheerleaders will always exist, but silence them by reviewing and trusting the truth you know.

From Mountaintop to Valley

Last week, I attended a writing conference in North Carolina, a week with like-minded people who craft words. The last morning, I woke early enough to go to the top of the mountain for sunrise. Oh, what a glorious sight!

After the sun was up, one in our group suggested we sing the doxology. In those moments of praise and thankfulness to God, I felt calm assurance and treasured that mountaintop experience.

The evolving progression of sunrise, the waiting for that moment when full sun topped the mountain and spread its rays and warmth around me, reminded me of the slow and steady journey of grief.

Coming down from the mountain that day was hard. A mountaintop experience is often followed by a crash landing, a return to the valley. Almost immediately upon my return, I was slammed with the cares of this world. I experienced emotions I hadn’t before in the journey of grief. But God’s presence surrounded me and grounded me with peace.

What valley are you traversing? As you take the next step and resume forward motion, remember you are moving through, not moving in permanently. An end point will come, the day when you leave the valley behind.

“Even in the unending shadows of death’s darkness, I am not overcome by fear. Because You are with me in those dark moments, near with Your protection and guidance, I am comforted” (Psalm 23:4 VOICE).

©CandyArrington

Candy Arrington is an award-winning writer, blogger, and speaker. She often writes on tough topics with a focus on moving through, and beyond, difficult life circumstances. Candy has written hundreds of articles, stories, and devotions published by numerous outlets including: Inspiration.org, Arisedaily.com, CBN.com, Healthgrades.com, Care.com, Focus on the Family, NextAvenue.org, CountryLiving.com, and Writer’s Digest. Candy’s books include Life on Pause: Learning to Wait Well (Bold Vision Books), When Your Aging Parent Needs Care (Harvest House), and AFTERSHOCK: Help, Hope, and Healing in the Wake of Suicide (B&H Publishing Group).

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