Any time you have a dramatic life change, if you are willing, you learn from the experience. The death of a loved one presents that opportunity.
Following are reflections on what I’ve learned in the last year and two months:
Expect Times of Loneliness
Recently, I woke up and smelled coffee brewing. Then, I realized it was nothing more than a nose memory because Jim was not here to start the coffee.
When someone you’ve shared life with for 43 years, or any amount of time, is suddenly not there, the sense of loneliness is sometimes overwhelming. I long for that other heartbeat in the house and his touch. Often, when something happens, or I hear news about those we know, I instantly think I must tell Jim! Then I remember.
When loneliness feels heavy, I’ve learned Jesus clings to me. He doesn’t mind if I talk to myself, or to Him. He is never out of reach, or too busy to listen.
It’s Okay to Pamper Yourself
Sometimes, people have the mistaken idea that you should live in a perpetual state of deprivation and sadness after the death of a loved one. But that in no way honors the person who is no longer present in your life. Instead, pamper yourself.
Since Jim’s death, I’ve treated myself to monthly massages. I give myself permission to have occasional unstructured days, and I’ve made getting enough sleep a priority.
Grief is a hard process, and it is acceptable to pamper yourself while you make the journey.
Dealing with Good (and Not-So-Good) Memories
Initially, following Jim’s death, I was blessed with pleasant, and sometimes funny, memories. But months into my grief journey, not-so-good memories flooded my mind.
Our humanness made for an imperfect marriage. Some struggles that should have mattered less felt huge; others were, indeed, major, and thoughts of those challenges continue to follow me.
Weighed down by negative thoughts, I found forward motion impossible. The only way to move ahead was by replacing the negative with positive remembrances. Substituting thoughts, and regaining forward motion, is a progression that involves forgiveness.
Enjoy Happiness
Although it may take a while to experience happiness again, don’t feel guilty when you do. Attaining happiness, and experiencing joy, doesn’t dishonor your loved ones. In fact, they would want you to be joyful again.
Life Goes On
Even while processing grief, life goes on. Some days you feel like hibernating, and if you can, do it. Other times, you put grief on the shelf while attending to the details of life that don’t slow down for anyone or anything. Just make sure you don’t hibernate too long, or leave grief unattended indefinitely.
In time, a fresh life rhythm evolves, one that feels different, yet also familiar. Remember to keep God in the center of all you do, say, and think, and embrace the new cadence of forward motion.
“I’ve commanded you to be strong and brave. Don’t ever be afraid or discouraged! I am the Lord your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9 CEV).
©CandyArrington
Candy Arrington is an award-winning writer, blogger, and speaker. She often writes on tough topics with a focus on moving through, and beyond, difficult life circumstances. Candy has written hundreds of articles, stories, and devotions published by numerous outlets including: Inspiration.org, Arisedaily.com, CBN.com, Healthgrades.com, Care.com, Focus on the Family, NextAvenue.org, CountryLiving.com, and Writer’s Digest. Candy’s books include Life on Pause: Learning to Wait Well (Bold Vision Books), When Your Aging Parent Needs Care (Harvest House), and AFTERSHOCK: Help, Hope, and Healing in the Wake of Suicide (B&H Publishing Group).
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